Bachelor 2017 Recap – Episode 4
The last couple of episodes, I felt I didn’t have enough material to work with and now I feel like I have too much. I’m also starting my blog really late so I’m hoping I can keep this shorter than usual.
The episode resumes at the pool party. We left off with Nick and Vanessa having a heated tête-à-tête about Nick’s excessive man-whoring with Corinne in the bouncy castle:
You might not be good enough for me so I don’t want to waste my time.
Nick: I don’t want you to waste your time either
but deep down inside, I know you’re way out of my league. I’ve been in your position so I understand. I don’t want you to leave because if I choose Danielle’s boobs over your brains, Bachelor Nation will hate me and I just managed to get them to like me again. Still, no promises. There’s a good chance I’ll go for the boobs. Try to be patient, especially about the Corinne situation. She’s the season’s villain and I’m not allowed to cut her before top 10 even if I wanted to which I don’t because I might still get a BJ out of her on the DL.
Vanessa: I really care about you. That’s why I’m saying all of this. I care so much that I’m willing to walk away
but I won’t because in case you turn out to be a total douche bag who’s unworthy of my notice, there’s a good chance I’ll get the Bachelorette gig if I can stick it out to top four.
Vanessa foolishly believes that Corinne won’t get a rose because of her talk with Nick.
Chris Harrison summons the harem occupants away from the poolside into the mansion where they will spend the next four hours doing their hair and makeup for a 20-minute rose ceremony.
Taylor and Sarah confront Corinne about sleeping through the last rose ceremony and the pool party and for monopolizing Nick’s
penis time in the bouncy castle.
Taylor: It’s disrespectful.
Sarah: You seem entitled.
Corinne: I’m in no way privileged.
Oh, let’s consult the tape and see if we can determine if Corinne is privileged, shall we?
I present to you ladies and gentlemen (but mostly ladies) of the jury the evidence of Corinne’s “lack of privilege”. What say you? Privileged or not privileged? (That was rhetorical.)
Chris Harrison stops Nick on the way to the rose ceremony.
Chris: We need to talk about Corinne. She’s rubbing some of the girls the wrong way.
I can’t believe I’m getting paid six figures to have this staged conversation with you.
Nick: I don’t take their feelings lightly. I very much care about their feelings.
Having appeared on the franchise with you four times now, I feel like we’re pretty good scene partners at this point. This scene seems kind of pointless since we both know I’m giving Corinne a rose but eventually I’m going to steal your job so I’ll just chalk it up to practice.
Danielle L., Vanessa, and Rachel have roses already.
- Danielle M.
Dominique, Christen, and Brittany go home.
Christen, girl, I told you your ass was out as soon as Liz went home.
Brittany [crying]: I used to make fun of girls for crying on the show but now I understand it.
Corinne gives a cringe-worthy speech to Nick and the other remaining women about how they’re all so “privileged” to be there because the voices in her head tell her it’s a good way to get back at all the women for not thinking she’s as awesome as her daddy constantly tells her she is. It’s awkward, it’s uncomfortable, it’s weird.
I don’t get this. Nick says Milwaukee is his hometown. I thought Waukesha was his hometown. Is Waukesha part of Milwaukee?
The women get to their lodgings and I’m blown over to see their temporary home is beachfront property. I suck at geography and had no idea there was a body of water near Wisconsin. I looked it up and it turns out Milwaukee is on Lake Michigan. Who knew? (Okay, maybe some of you did.)
Nicks sits down with his parents for a chat at a local pub. Mary looks like a rockstar with her punk rock pixie cut, leather jacket, and multitude of stud earrings. I didn’t realize she was that hip.
Nick: Even though I’m the Bachelor, I feel like things might not work out because
I sold my soul to the devil for Twitter fame and I may have to pay up soon I feel like I have something to lose. The closest I’ve ever gotten to feeling like I was ready to get engaged was with Andi and Kaitlyn.
Mary [crying]: I know when you find the one, you’ll drop your walls and feel things you’ve never felt before.
Dear God, please let the one he puts a ring on not be the whore of Babylon.
Nick’s Dad: I think I speak for both your mother and I when I say we hope to never see you on the show again. You know what I mean?
What I mean is that if you persist in your shallow pursuit of the limelight, we’re staging an intervention in which an exorcist will be present to free Lucifer’s grip on you. I’ve already written the Vatican.
Daniel L.’s One-On-One
All the remaining women have assembled by a duck pond in Waukesha after spending the morning drawing on perfect eyebrows in the hopes of being able to show them off on a one-on-one.
The skies are gray, the women are feeding ducks, they’re in the lead’s hometown… I’m having flashbacks of Ben’s season… Vanilla Lauren and Vanilla Ben playing basketball with kids… Emily/Haley doesn’t know the difference between a duck and a swan…
Nick ends my torment when he walks up and announces that Danielle is going on the one-on-one.
All the parts of the date where it’s just Nick and Danielle talking are really boring. Danielle is nice but really, really boring. Aside from her boobs, she’s completely one-dimensional. 😆
Highlights of the date:
- The local bakery makes a cookie with Nick’s face on it called a Nickerdoodle. *snicker*
- Danielle and Nick “run into” one of Nick’s exes and Nick decides (and by Nick I mean the producers) it’s a good idea to catch up with her while he’s on a first date with Danielle. Her name is Amber. She’s cute, confident, and 1000% more interesting than Danielle. Tell me again why he had to go on TV to find a wife?
- At dinner, Danielle wows Nick with another dress designed to show off her amazing boob job.
- Nick says to Danielle, “You come across as incredibly nice but I think there’s a lot more to you.” This is the exact same thing he said to Amanda when they went out on their one and only date in Paradise.
- Danielle has led a very difficult life because her parents got divorced when she was 17. No, not 7. Seven freaking teen. 🙄
- Danielle doesn’t jump into relationships or marriage quickly because of what happened with her parents. But she’s willing to get engaged to a man on TV who’ll she’ll have spent less than 24 hours of quality one-on-one time with by the time he gets down on one knee? 🙄
- Nick and Danielle dance in front of a screaming crowd at a Chris Lane concert. Dafuq is Chris Lane besides another generic country star trying to make a name for himself on The Bachelor?
- Nick says it’s a bucket list item for him to dance with a girl at a Chris Lane concert. My curiosity was piqued so I Googled Chris Lane. He has 63k followers on Twitter. I’m pretty sure Nick has triple that by now and had never heard of Chris Lane before the day of his date with Danielle.
At some point during the date, Nick asked Danielle if she had any obvious flaws (implying that he didn’t see any). I can think of one. She’s dull as dirt.
I had a really hard time sitting through this date. Mostly because it was boring but also because I can tell Nick really likes Danielle. He’s extremely physically attracted to her and there’s a very good chance he’ll choose her in the end. If that happens, I will have to admit I was much more wrong about Nick than I thought.
Here are a list of women I could respect Nick for getting engaged to:
- Danielle M.
- Amber (his ex)
Seriously, I would rather Nick send all the women home and see him marry his ex than see him marry Danielle L. That’s how wrong I think she is for him. I might even consider Corinne a better choice. At least she’s got personality.
The Group Date
“Say cheese. ”
- Danielle M.
Which means Raven gets the second one-on-one.
The girls go to a farm that produces cheese. We think they are going to make cheese but they are actually just going to take care of dairy cows.
I don’t understand the point of this date. Nick isn’t a farmer. He doesn’t even live in a small town (it’s really hard for me to say Milwaukee constitutes a city with a straight face but it sure isn’t a dairy farm). So there can only be one point in making the women milk cows, feed them hay, and shovel a f*ck ton of cow sh*t: to f*ck with Corinne.
When you put pressure on graphite, you get a diamond. When you put pressure on Corinne, you get these gems:
- I would rather be at a spa being fed a chicken taco.
- Cows are okay but this isn’t really my speed.
- What is a farm chore? I don’t even do regular chores. I wouldn’t even make Raquel do farm chores. Raquel is better than farm chores. She works for me.
- I’m glad I didn’t wear designer today.
- Dude, I need sushi.
And, of course, this:
Next Up: Group Date Night Portion, Raven’s One-On-One, Cocktail Party