corinne_not_privileged_just_need_sushi_and_a_spa_day
corinne_not_privileged_just_need_sushi_and_a_spa_day

Bachelor 2017 Recap: Episode 4

Bachelor 2017 Recap – Episode 4

The last couple of episodes, I felt I didn’t have enough material to work with and now I feel like I have too much. I’m also starting my blog really late so I’m hoping I can keep this shorter than usual.

The episode resumes at the pool party. We left off with Nick and Vanessa having a heated tête-à-tête about Nick’s excessive man-whoring with Corinne in the bouncy castle:

Vanessa: You might not be good enough for me so I don’t want to waste my time.

Nick: I don’t want you to waste your time either  but deep down inside, I know you’re way out of my league. I’ve been in your position so I understand. I don’t want you to leave because if I choose Danielle’s boobs over your brains, Bachelor Nation will hate me and I just managed to get them to like me again. Still, no promises. There’s a good chance I’ll go for the boobs. Try to be patient, especially about the Corinne situation. She’s the season’s villain and I’m not allowed to cut her before top 10 even if I wanted to which I don’t because I might still get a BJ out of her on the DL.

Vanessa: I really care about you. That’s why I’m saying all of this. I care so much that I’m willing to walk away but I won’t because in case you turn out to be a total douche bag who’s unworthy of my notice, there’s a good chance I’ll get the Bachelorette gig if I can stick it out to top four.

Vanessa foolishly believes that Corinne won’t get a rose because of her talk with Nick.

laughing_you_must_be_new

Chris Harrison summons the harem occupants away from the poolside into the mansion where they will spend the next four hours doing their hair and makeup for a 20-minute rose ceremony.

Taylor and Sarah confront Corinne about sleeping through the last rose ceremony and the pool party and for monopolizing Nick’s penis time in the bouncy castle.

Taylor: It’s disrespectful.

Sarah: You seem entitled.

Corinne: I’m in no way privileged.

Jon-Stewart-WTF

Oh, let’s consult the tape and see if we can determine if Corinne is privileged, shall we?

I present to you ladies and gentlemen (but mostly ladies) of the jury the evidence of Corinne’s “lack of privilege”. What say you? Privileged or not privileged? (That was rhetorical.)

corinne_privileged_exhibits

Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison stops Nick on the way to the rose ceremony.

Chris: We need to talk about Corinne. She’s rubbing some of the girls the wrong way. I can’t believe I’m getting paid six figures to have this staged conversation with you.

Nick: I don’t take their feelings lightly. I very much care about their feelings. Having appeared on the franchise with you four times now, I feel like we’re pretty good scene partners at this point. This scene seems kind of pointless since we both know I’m giving Corinne a rose but eventually I’m going to steal your job so I’ll just chalk it up to practice.

Danielle L., Vanessa, and Rachel have roses already.

  1. Raven
  2. Taylor
  3. Whitney
  4. Kristina
  5. Jasmine
  6. Alexis
  7. Astrid
  8. Danielle M.
  9. Jaimi
  10. Josephine
  11. Sarah
  12. Corinne

Dominique, Christen, and Brittany go home.

Christen, girl, I told you your ass was out as soon as Liz went home.

Brittany [crying]: I used to make fun of girls for crying on the show but now I understand it.

crying_woman_its_the_alchohol_theres_just_so_much_of_it

Corinne gives a cringe-worthy speech to Nick and the other remaining women about how they’re all so “privileged” to be there because the voices in her head tell her it’s a good way to get back at all the women for not thinking she’s as awesome as her daddy constantly tells her she is. It’s awkward, it’s uncomfortable, it’s weird.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

I don’t get this. Nick says Milwaukee is his hometown. I thought Waukesha was his hometown. Is Waukesha part of Milwaukee?

The women get to their lodgings and I’m blown over to see their temporary home is beachfront property. I suck at geography and had no idea there was a body of water near Wisconsin. I looked it up and it turns out Milwaukee is on Lake Michigan. Who knew? (Okay, maybe some of you did.)

Nicks sits down with his parents for a chat at a local pub. Mary looks like a rockstar with her punk rock pixie cut, leather jacket, and multitude of stud earrings. I didn’t realize she was that hip.

Nick: Even though I’m the Bachelor, I feel like things might not work out because I sold my soul to the devil for Twitter fame and I may have to pay up soon I feel like I have something to lose. The closest I’ve ever gotten to feeling like I was ready to get engaged was with Andi and Kaitlyn.

Trump_tweet_i_cant_believe_nick_hasnt_locked_down_a_pussy_yet_sad

Mary [crying]: I know when you find the one, you’ll drop your walls and feel things you’ve never felt before. Dear God, please let the one he puts a ring on not be the whore of Babylon.

Nick’s Dad: I think I speak for both your mother and I when I say we hope to never see you on the show again. You know what I mean? What I mean is that if you persist in your shallow pursuit of the limelight, we’re staging an intervention in which an exorcist will be present to free Lucifer’s grip on you. I’ve already written the Vatican.

Daniel L.’s One-On-One

All the remaining women have assembled by a duck pond in Waukesha after spending the morning drawing on perfect eyebrows in the hopes of being able to show them off on a one-on-one.

The skies are gray, the women are feeding ducks, they’re in the lead’s hometown… I’m having flashbacks of Ben’s season… Vanilla Lauren and Vanilla Ben playing basketball with kids… Emily/Haley doesn’t know the difference between a duck and a swan…

make_it_stop_it_hurts

Nick ends my torment when he walks up and announces that Danielle is going on the one-on-one.

All the parts of the date where it’s just Nick and Danielle talking are really boring. Danielle is nice but really, really boring. Aside from her boobs, she’s completely one-dimensional. 😆

Highlights of the date:

  • The local bakery makes a cookie with Nick’s face on it called a Nickerdoodle. *snicker*
  • Danielle and Nick “run into” one of Nick’s exes and Nick decides (and by Nick I mean the producers) it’s a good idea to catch up with her while he’s on a first date with Danielle. Her name is Amber. She’s cute, confident, and 1000% more interesting than Danielle. Tell me again why he had to go on TV to find a wife?
  • At dinner, Danielle wows Nick with another dress designed to show off her amazing boob job.
  • Nick says to Danielle, “You come across as incredibly nice but I think there’s a lot more to you.” This is the exact same thing he said to Amanda when they went out on their one and only date in Paradise.
  • Danielle has led a very difficult life because her parents got divorced when she was 17. No, not 7. Seven freaking teen. 🙄
  • Danielle doesn’t jump into relationships or marriage quickly because of what happened with her parents. But she’s willing to get engaged to a man on TV who’ll she’ll have spent less than 24 hours of quality one-on-one time with by the time he gets down on one knee? 🙄
  • Nick and Danielle dance in front of a screaming crowd at a Chris Lane concert. Dafuq is Chris Lane besides another generic country star trying to make a name for himself on The Bachelor?
  • Nick says it’s a bucket list item for him to dance with a girl at a Chris Lane concert. My curiosity was piqued so I Googled Chris Lane. He has 63k followers on Twitter. I’m pretty sure Nick has triple that by now and had never heard of Chris Lane before the day of his date with Danielle.

At some point during the date, Nick asked Danielle if she had any obvious flaws (implying that he didn’t see any). I can think of one. She’s dull as dirt.

I had a really hard time sitting through this date. Mostly because it was boring but also because I can tell Nick really likes Danielle. He’s extremely physically attracted to her and there’s a very good chance he’ll choose her in the end. If that happens, I will have to admit I was much more wrong about Nick than I thought.

Here are a list of women I could respect Nick for getting engaged to:

  1. Vanessa
  2. Danielle M.
  3. Raven
  4. Rachel
  5. Amber (his ex)

Seriously, I would rather Nick send all the women home and see him marry his ex than see him marry Danielle L. That’s how wrong I think she is for him. I might even consider Corinne a better choice. At least she’s got personality.

Pulp_Fiction_personality_goes_a_long_way

The Group Date

“Say cheese. ”

  • Rachel
  • Alexis
  • Vanessa
  • Jasmine
  • Jaimi
  • Sarah
  • Whitney
  • Kristina
  • Astrid
  • Taylor
  • Josephine
  • Danielle M.
  • Corinne

Which means Raven gets the second one-on-one.

The girls go to a farm that produces cheese. We think they are going to make cheese but they are actually just going to take care of dairy cows.

I don’t understand the point of this date. Nick isn’t a farmer. He doesn’t even live in a small town (it’s really hard for me to say Milwaukee constitutes a city with a straight face but it sure isn’t a dairy farm). So there can only be one point in making the women milk cows, feed them hay, and shovel a f*ck ton of cow sh*t: to f*ck with Corinne.

When you put pressure on graphite, you get a diamond. When you put pressure on Corinne, you get these gems:

  • I would rather be at a spa being fed a chicken taco.
  • Cows are okay but this isn’t really my speed.
  • What is a farm chore? I don’t even do regular chores. I wouldn’t even make Raquel do farm chores. Raquel is better than farm chores. She works for me.raquel_family_guy_maid_opening_on_farm
  • I’m glad I didn’t wear designer today.
  • Dude, I need sushi.

And, of course, this:

corinne_poop_poop_poop

Next Up: Group Date Night Portion, Raven’s One-On-One, Cocktail Party

10 thoughts on “Bachelor 2017 Recap: Episode 4

  1. Hi Emily! LOVE this recap!!! You are SO funny!!! This is the BEST one yet!!! There are too many favorites to mention them all…but the one that made me snort laugh all the way through, was your take on Raven’s One on One date!!! ……also I agree with you, DULLielle L. is “dull as dirt”!!

    • Hey, Jude. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.) 😉

      I’m glad you enjoyed the recap. I aim to entertain.

      Thank you so much for the great feedback! It means a lot to me. 🙂

  2. Hilarious as always. I was practically falling asleep during Danielle and then perked right up with Raven. She’s just cool and, like Vanessa, probably too good for Nick and for this show. I wish Nick had gotten rid of Corinne after talking with Vanessa. I felt like he was trying to tell her to be patient because he’ll probably pick her, but has to do this nonsense first.

    I can’t remember if this was your blog or Charleene’s but one of you said that in the real world, after an amazing date like Vanessa and Nick had, they’d probably stop seeing other people, explore their connection, and start a relationship. I’m sure it’s confusing for Vanessa to feel that and then see him literally dicking around with other girls

    … but the fact he kept Corinne says 2 things: 1. He’s easily seduced and (like a young girl) confuses sex for love 2. He cares more about the show than the genuine relationships he’s building

    “Is Waukesha part of Milwaukee?” I dated a guy from Waukesha and he would also at times say he was from Milwaukee. Waukesha is a small suburb adjacent to the city. If you look it up online, Google says the suburb is considered “part of the greater Milwaukee metropolitan area.”

    • Hi, Megan.

      Thanks for the info about Waukesha. I was too lazy to look it up so I’m glad you knew about it.

      I’m glad I could make you laugh. That’s my goal.

      It was my blog, not Sharleen’s but I’m happy to get confused with Sharleen. 🙂

      I did get the impression that Nick was trying to say that he really wanted Vanessa there. Now that Danielle L. is gone I view her as the frontrunner.

      I don’t know if Nick confuses sex for love but he has to care about the show. He’s getting paid a lot of money to be on it. It’s not just a show for people to find love. In fact, the producers couldn’t care less if Nick finds love. It’s a business and on some level Nick DOES care more about the show because he didn’t need to go on it to find love. He wanted the money, fame, and attention that goes along with finding love this way.

      I also honestly don’t know how much power Nick has to cut people. There’s a contract involved and I don’t know what that contract says. Is it possible he could be sued for cutting someone the producers didn’t want him to cut? I don’t know the answer to that question.

      I know Vanessa was really pissed about Nick dicking around with Corinne. I think she should have watched the show a little bit more so she would know what to expect.

      To me, it’s the same formula every season. There’s a villain who terrorizes the other contestants, all the contestants wonder why the lead doesn’t see their true colors, and then the villain gets cut around the halfway mark and the show gets boring after that because the normal contestants are usually boring. I think it would be interesting to see some more in-depth conversations between the lead and the contestants but Bachelor producers don’t seem to think that’s marketable so we never get to see the real bonding that leads these dumb dumbs to believe they’re ready to get engaged after 6 weeks.

      Thanks for the feedback and support! It’s always appreciated! 🙂

  3. SO FUNNY! The exhibit evidence of Corinne’s “lack of privilege” was golden!

    I smiled when I read the part about the house on Lake Michigan. I have been lucky enough to live on Lake Michigan twice in my life. (Once on the Michigan side of the lake and once on the Chicago side.) It is MASSIVE. It looks like the ocean.

    Thanks for another great recap!

    • Hey, Melissa.

      I’m glad you liked the Lack of privilege gif. It was quite a bit of work to put it together so I’m glad it paid off.

      I lived in Cleveland a couple times when I was interning at the NASA center there (a long time ago in a galaxy far far away) and Cleveland is on Lake Erie which is also GINORMOUS. I couldn’t see the other side. It was nice because I’m used to living by a large body of water.

      Thanks for the comment! Always appreciated! 🙂

  4. Nick is totally thinking with his dick hen it comes to Corinne.
    If he didnt like her and was doing it for production, he wouldnt be making out with her constantly. Just wants fantasy suite unti he has no choice but to cut her sooner.
    I would rather stay with the fake voodoo people then continue the date with Nick next episode LOL

    • Well, Nick is really into sex and Corinne is too and she’s also 12 years younger than he is. I mean he looks young but the man is 36 and he’s got a hot 24-year-old who is giving him the impression that she would like nothing more than to satisfy his carnal desires. That speaks to most men. The vast majority of men are looking for a sex partner in a wife before a romantic partner. That comes first. If it’s not there, they’re not interested in pursuing the romantic part.

      Women tend to do the opposite.

      So if that part is there with Corinne (and it’s there with her more than anyone else so far because Corinne leads with sex), Nick is going to take her seriously until he figures out once and for all that he can’t have the romantic part with her. I think he knows that but he’s biding his time.

      It’s weird to see them together though because it’s just obvious she’s so much younger than he is physically and mentally. It’s almost creepy.

      I hope he ditches her soon.

      Thanks for the comments! I really appreciate you taking the time to give me feedback! 🙂

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