Vinny and Izzy's relationship before and after Brett
Vinny and Izzy's relationship before and after Brett
They were at 100%. Then Brett came and they were at 75%.

Bachelor in Paradise 2016: Week 4

Bachelor In Paradise 2016 – Week 4

Hey, Guys!

Special shout out to Megan, Jaime, Jennifer, and Cam this week. Comments and retweets keep me going. Thanks to everyone who comments and/or RT’s regularly. You guys are the wind beneath my wings.

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I am starting my blog on Friday and I can’t really remember anything that happened this week on Bachelor in Paradise other than Vinny and Izzy breaking up. That probably means nothing very interesting happened. But I’m going to go back and watch just to make sure (pretty sure it was a boring week though).

One funny thing I do remember: I wrote a whole spiel last week on how they got the iguana to nod its head but when I saw the footage of the iguana again in the intro, it looked like a puppet.

Don Draper im_a_dumbass

Also, Ben and Lauren have a reality show coming out in the fall on Freeform. It’s called “Happily Ever After“. I don’t find them remotely compelling enough to watch their show but if any of you watch it, let me know how it is.

Recap – Episode 1

The first 40 minutes are spent dealing with the cocktail party and the rose ceremony. That’s just way too much time to spend on Ashley drama. I know it may not seem like it, ABC producers, because we continue to watch every minute of this franchise but we, of the Nation of Bachelor, have lives.

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Bachelor Nation is a proud people

The night begins with Ashley and Jared rehashing their mutual discomfort with being on the show together.

Ashley says she came to Paradise to get over Jared.

Pro tip #1, Ashley: If you want to get over somebody, try staying the f*ck away from them. Watching guys you like date other people in close quarters is not an effective strategy for getting over crushes.

Next she does this:

ashley_i_nothing_makes_me_happier_than_being_with_you

Yes, clearly, obsessing over Jared is making Ashley a real f*cking ray of sunshine.

As some of you may know, I run an advice column. I still have some correspondences I haven’t published yet but almost every question is about figuring out if the person who’s writing me should continue pursuing their love interest. 99.9% of the time if that is even a question in your mind, the answer is “NO”. But 100% of the time, if someone you’re interested in says they’re not interested in you or they run hot and cold, THEY ARE NOT RIGHT FOR YOU.

Ashley needs to stop this madness.

Jared tells Ashley she can like him all she wants but he likes Caila and Ashley is just going to have to deal with it.

After spending an inordinate amount of time trying to console Ashley, Jared returns to the tree house to reassure Caila that he has strong feelings for her and that Ashley doesn’t mean as much to him as Caila does.

Hey, Jared. You just spent an hour talking to Ashley to try to take care of her feelings and 2 minutes taking care of Caila’s. Why exactly should Caila believe that you care about her more?

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Ashley asks/whines, “How can two people can love each other so much and not be together?”

Uh… because Jared doesn’t love you? And you don’t know what love is otherwise you’d realize that you don’t actually love him either?

After about 25 minutes of this nonsense, we finally get a break from the Bermuda love triangle and head back into safer waters.

Carly realizes that she really likes Evan and lets him know that she likes him. Evan pats himself on the back for coming up with the brilliant (brilliant, I say!) romantic strategy of faking an illness to get Carly to fall for him.

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That’s right, guys. If you want a girl to want you, faint and just generally act like a weakling. Women love that sh*t. Works every time. EVERY. TIME.

Once again, Daniel finds himself in the position of having the swing rose. Sarah, Hemily, and Ashley are on the chopping block. How they try to get his rose:

  • Sarah actually likes Daniel and makes him half a birthday cake… because Daniel is 5 and celebrates his half birthday. He makes eating cake sexual because of course he does.
  • Neither of the twins like Daniel but Emily convinces Haley to kiss him and take one for the team. Daniel lets Haley know how he feels about her: he thinks she’s got a great ass.its_so_beautiful
  • Ashley cries over Jared some more and endures Daniel’s advice that she should stop being a virgin and go f*ck a bunch of guys ’til she figures out what she likes.

Rose Ceremony

  • Grant  –<–{@ Lace
  • Josh    –<–{@ Amanda
  • Nick    –<–{@ Jen
  • Vinny  –<–{@ Izzy
  • Evan   –<–{@ Carly
  • Jared  –<–{@ Caila
  • Daniel –<–{@ Haley (kiss trumps cake)

Sarah goes home in tears. I really think she missed out by not giving Christian her rose. I wish her all the luck in the world though in her quest for love.

Ashley SHOULD go home but as she’s leaving in the kiss and cry van, she has an epiphany: She’s in Paradise so why not try to find love? (Actually, the epiphany was that she could pretend she’d suddenly turned the page on her obsession with Jared in an attempt to get the other contestants to agree to let her stay in Paradise to “find love” so she could secretly sabotage Jared’s relationship with Caila.)

Ashley tells the driver to stop. She runs back to the cabana to exclaim to everyone that she’s turned over a new leaf.

Nick (and Bachelor Nation) groan in exasperation when Ashley returns to Paradise. The cast members agree to let her stay so she can have another chance at love but Caila’s face says she’d rather be eaten alive by fire ants.

New Guys Arrive

The next day Nick advises Ashley to be her best self. I’m sure that’ll work out great.

borat_great_success

The first new guy to arrive is Carl from Andi’s season. I do not remember this person at all. And apparently he is so forgettable in person that Carly can’t even remember his name even though it’s the male version of her name.

who_the_fuck_are_you

Emily thinks Carl is hot. (Not to be confused with Cafe Emily who does not.) Carl chooses Emily for his date.

The next person who walks in is Brett from Andi’s season who apparently brought a lamp during their first meeting. I do not remember this person either. The clip of him arriving out of the limo with the lamp did not jog my memory. I repeat:

who_the_fuck_are_you

Brett is completely forgettable, unimpressive, and ordinary. I assure you, I will not remember him this time either. His lamp has more personality than he does… but somehow Izzy finds him absolutely irresistible?

Brett came to Paradise to meet Caila and decides (with Ashley’s help) that he’s not going to settle.

He asks Caila out despite the fact that she’s with Jared (as of last night’s rose ceremony).

What follows is the most obnoxious display of indecisiveness I have ever witnessed in a human being in my entire life. Caila can’t decide whether to go on the date with Brett or not. She changes her mind about 50 times, trying to decide what the “nice” thing to do is before finally agreeing to go on the date.

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I think we now know why Caila was not chosen to be the Bachelorette. Can you imagine HER rose ceremonies?

Evan says Brett walked in with a lamp and flipped the switch on Jared. Oh, Evan. You’re so puny… I mean PUNNY!

The Booze Cruise Double Date

Emily, Carl, Caila, and Brett leave for their date on a booze cruise while Jared slowly morphs into the ball of mopey, unrequited love that is Ashley. He spends most of the day slumped on a giant cushion under a canopy staring out at the sea.

Emily and Carl hit it off. But even though they spend the afternoon bumping and grinding, Emily still can’t remember his name. No one can.

Back at the beach, Ashley uses Caila’s absence to drive a wedge between Jared and Caila. Ashley is certain that Caila isn’t right for Jared and that Ashley is the only one who will love him and treat him right. She’s doing a fantastic job so far.

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Kayla has zero fun on the booze cruise because she went on it for all the wrong reasons:

  1. She didn’t want Brett to feel rejected.
  2. She’s afraid Jared isn’t certain about her even though he said he is.

Notice how her list of reasons doesn’t include BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO GO.

She finally throws in the towel on being “nice” when Brett, whom she’s not attracted to in the slightest, attempts to give her a lap dance. Brett comes to the realization that he’s not wanted. (I’m sure it’s not the first time he’s come to this realization.)

Just as the foursome returns from their date, Ashley tells Jared she thinks Caila is a backstabbing whore. Said backstabbing whore immediately steals Jared to tell him she made a mistake.

Ashley falls into a deep depression when she realizes her attempts to destroy Jared’s chance at happiness have failed. She doesn’t understand how two people (Jared and Ashley, NOT Jared and Caila) who know each other so well and are so compatible can’t be together. She says it’s like finding her soulmate but her soulmate doesn’t love her.

Pro tip #2, Ashley: Your soulmate will love you. That’s part of the definition.

  • If someone doesn’t love you, they’re not your soulmate.
  • Jared doesn’t love you.
  • Therefore, Jared is not your soulmate.
  • QED.

if_you_ignore_logic_life_will_checkmate_you

Ryan from Kaitlyn’s season arrives in Paradise with a date card. His salt-and-pepper beard does him no favors. It makes him look much older than he is but AT LEAST I REMEMBER HIM!!! Not well but I remember him.

Jared tries to foist Ashley off on Ryan. However, when Ryan interviews Ashley to see if he wants to date her, she goes on and on about how perfect Jared is and how she’ll never find anyone else who can compare… so Ryan immediately decides to ask Haley out instead.

Haley and Ryan’s Date

Another horseback riding date. Thrilling.

Really? That’s it? All they showed us of the date was Haley and Ryan mounting their horses. They didn’t even show them returning from their date. BIP editors are lazy.

Unrequited L-Bomb

Grant arranges a couples massage for himself and Lace. After the massage is over, they drink champagne in one of the many hot tubs scattered throughout the tree house and Grant drops the L-bomb. Lace does not return the sentiment.

magic_eight_ball_outlook_not_so_good

The Vizzy Breakup

While Vinny is certain about his relationship with Izzy, Izzy is drooling over Brett who is so gorgeous to her eyes that she almost vomited upon beholding him for the first time. (Because nausea is the typical response to meeting someone you find devastatingly attractive.)

That night, Izzy pulls Brett aside to tell him she’s really attracted to him. I don’t think Brett feels the same way but he didn’t come to Paradise to not get laid and Izzy is kind of cute so why the hell not? (And that, my friends, is the foundation of every great relationship.)

Izzy delivers the bad news to Vinny that she’s only 75% invested in the relationship now because Brett’s chiseled… something that only Izzy can see took the other 25%.

Vizzy_before_after

Vinny is understandably crushed.

Despite what Izzy says and Vinny thinks, I don’t think that Izzy’s attraction to Brett was as superficial as it was made out to be. No person who is in a happy, committed relationship suddenly decides to leave because someone hotter walks by.

I think that Izzy had a lot of questions about Vinny and was scared of how fast they were moving from dating to likely getting engaged so Brett became a convenient fantasy to distract Izzy from her fears about her relationship with Vinny. Fantasies give people breathing room within their own minds to escape scary or undesirable circumstances.

I don’t think Izzy was able to face her doubts about Vinny constructively so instead of talking through them with him, she escaped into fantasy and didn’t understand herself well enough to know that’s what she was doing.

The next day, everyone (especially Vinny) waits on tenterhooks to see what the fate of Izzy and Vinny’s relationship will be. Vinny wants to leave Paradise. Nick tells him to wait and see what Izzy says.

Izzy avoids talking to anyone for most of the day. She doesn’t seem to want to face the music. Vinny eventually goes up to confront her. She puts him off by telling him to let her finish her makeup. ‘Cause that’s important when you’ve broken the heart of someone you care about and they’ve been waiting all day to talk to you about it.

To be continued…

Well that was a boring episode.

Next: Episode 2 Recap and After Paradise

10 thoughts on “Bachelor in Paradise 2016: Week 4

  1. I just want to say, I loved the part you wrote in the last blog post about the iguana! Even if it was a puppet in this case, I thought the information was fascinating, and even looked it up and read more. 🙂

  2. Thanks for the shout out! Bachelor shows are my guilty pleasure and I NEVER get to talk about them, so it’s great to read your hilarious recaps without spoilers and have a forum where people can also comment and rehash things!

    Sarah was an idiot for giving her rose to Daniel instead of Christian, but the people who are on these shows are not the best at decision making.

    “Pro tip #2, Ashley: Your soulmate will love you. That’s part of the definition.” OMG. I’m dying of laughter right now.

    Apparently, Ashley’s been crying on other shows too. I stumbled across this article where the Million Dollar Matchmaker describes Ashley’s appearance on her show Before the taping of this season’s Paradise. http://www.wetpaint.com/ashley-iaconetti-million-dollar-matchmaker-jared-1517522/

    In some ways, I do genuinely feel sorry for her because I think everyone’s been there at some point– friendzoned by someone you really care about. But, you and Nick are totally right. It’s obsession based on an illusion and not actually love. Also, most people who have been in that position are in middle school or high school. By the time you’re an adult, you usually want something real. Ashley needs to stop trying to be Jared’s friend and cut off communication completely. It needs to come from her because he will never do it. Like Caila, he’s fake because he’s trying to be nice… but in being the “nice guy,” he’s just hurting both himself and Ashley.

    I agree with your take on Izzy’s change of heart. As Carly said, it happened with her and Kirk as well. Kirk started questioning things when Carly was like, “Come to a wedding with me. Meet my whole family. We’re so cute together. When should we get married? What should we name our kids?” It was way too fast for the length of time they’d been dating and he bolted.

    • Hi, Megan.

      I’m glad I’m making you laugh! Mission accomplished.

      I went and watched the video of Patti Stanger talking to Ashley. I think it was pretty telling when she said he didn’t want to move out of the friend zone because he couldn’t imagine his life without her. That is some f*cked up sh*t to say to someone who has a crush on you. Now I really dislike Jared and think he’s probably mostly to blame for this nonsense. I hope that Ashley was telling the truth about being over him. She doesn’t need that in her life.

      I wonder why Ashley has such a hard time with love and relationships. I have a feeling she was an ugly duckling who was spoiled by her dad so she grew up thinking she wasn’t a sexual being but also was never forced to become an independent person. The two qualities combined are a total turn off to most men but I have to admit I find Ashley endearing even if I can’t deal with her antics most of the time.

      Thanks for the info and feedback! 🙂

  3. What follows is the most obnoxious display of indecisiveness I have ever witnessed in a human being in my entire life.

    WORD!! My god-I think that solidified my intense dislike of Caila (sp?), it was like watching a train wreck. Does Jared always attract the weird ones? He seems to have the personality of a piece of cardboard.

    • Hi, Alyson.

      I kind of wanted to throw things at my TV when Caila wouldn’t shut up about whether or not she should go on the date with Brett. I’m SO glad they didn’t choose her to be the Bachelorette.

      Haha! Jared DOES have the personality of a piece of cardboard. I don’t know what Ashley sees in him. He does have a great jawline but one does not fall in love with a jawline.

      Thanks for your comment! I really appreciate it! 🙂

  4. This was hilarious. I always love your recaps. I totally agree that Izzy just didn’t seem to be ready for what Vinny seemed to want at the end – an engagement. She’s a few years ylunge than him or maybe she’s just not in that place in her life yet. She handled it really poorly though.

    • Thanks, Kate!

      I’m glad you find my writings entertaining.

      I think Izzy is on the right track. She just needs to get to a place where she’s able to commit and she’ll find someone. I tend to believe that if you mess up a relationship, it wasn’t the right one for you. It’s just a lesson along the way to finding the kind of love that you need.

      Thanks so much for the feedback! 🙂

  5. Awww! You are the best, ever! Just wanted you to know that. I am seriously tired of the Ashley drama. Good grief, child, grow UP! Learn to be the bigger person. Learn that love, TRUE love, requires sacrifice. Jamanda make me want to puke. Not a fan of Lace. Meh about Jaila. I ADORE Carli and Evan together. They are both so perfectly different and odd and wonderful. Love them. Finally, really rooting for Nick, whether it is with Jen or someone else. I want him to find someone perfect for him in every way. He deserves it. Love him. And Damn, Daniel! !!!!

    • Thank you! YOU’RE the best ever too! (How can we both be the best ever? I don’t know but I’m certain it must be possible.)

      I think Ashley’s father might be standing in the way of her growing up. She seems to still be daddy’s little girl at 28. I’d like to see her gain some independence from her family and cut Jared out of her life.

      I like Amanda – mostly. I don’t like Josh at all though and am worried about his abusive nature. I believe he is controlling. I don’t think it’s AS bad as it’s been made out to be but it’s still concerning.

      I like Carly and Evan together too. Carly is actually one of the more intelligent women who’ve been on the show so I like her. Evan has grown on me like toe fungus.

      I like Nick. Always have. Daniel cracks me up. I’d rather see a reality show about him than about Ben and Lauren. THAT would be entertaining.

      Thank you for the feedback and comments! 🙂

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