The Three-On-One
“Let’s jump in feet first. –Nick”
Corinne, Kristina, and Raven are on the three-on-one. One of them will get a fast pass to hometowns.
Corinne: I’m going to steal the show. I’m a boater and I look great on a yacht.
You’re not a boat bangle, child. Nick’s looking for a wife (allegedly), not the latest trend in yacht accessories.
Despite Corinne’s best efforts to get Nick’s attention, he becomes hyper-focused on rubbing sunscreen on Kristina’s inner thighs.
Kristina: I hope nobody gets left on an island.
Nick: No, no. Rest assured. No one’s getting left on an island. BTW, did I mention we’re going to be swimming with sharks?
Raven: Kristina and Corinne both have a pretty good chance of getting eaten by a shark because sharks can smell fear. If a shark tries to bite me, I’ll punch it in the face.
I was hoping she would rebuke it in the name of Jesus but still:
The foursome jumps in the water with the sharks. You couldn’t pay me enough.
I wanted to find out what type of sharks these were though because I couldn’t imagine the Bachelor producers putting their cast in harm’s way by allowing them to swim with aggressive sharks without a cage. I Googled “harmless sharks” and the Caribbean reef shark looks like what we were shown. They still look big and scary but are SO harmless that tour guides feed them while humans are in the water with them. (Still couldn’t pay me enough.)
I hope Alexis was watching.
Kristina succumbs to fear once she’s actually in the water with the sharks and makes a beeline for the boat. Nick follows to comfort her.
Corinne: I feel like I’m on Kristina’s date but if I try to change it up, I’m afraid I’ll be judged.
Yep. You trying to steal the spotlight from Kristina is going to get you judged but the horrific sh*t you said about your fellow contestants will pass by unnoticed. #JudgementComethAndThatRightSoon
Group Date Night Portion
Nicks talks to each of the women about hometowns before handing out the only date rose of the week.
Raven: Are you nervous about hometowns? Meeting the fathers?
Nick: If I were a brother or father meeting me, knowing my past, I would have a sh*t ton of questions.
It’s not just brothers and fathers. America has a sh*t ton of questions about you.
Corinne: Why haven’t you given me a one-on-one?
Nick: I’m not glad you brought that up. I feel like the two-on-one was a one-on-one and it was definitely beneficial for our relationship. She’s nodding and looking at me with googly eyes. Does that mean she’s buying this crap? You’ve definitely made the most of your time while you’ve been here. You’ve been on me like white on rice since the minute you got out of the limo and the only reason you’re still here is because the producers want me to meet your nanny.
Raven gets the rose and the fast pass to hometowns.
Nick and Raven dance on the beach at a concert by another no-name musician, Adam Friedman.
He’s only got 5k followers on Twitter. He probably had to pay for his airfare to Bimini for the honor of playing a free concert on The Bachelor. 😆
Danielle’s One-On-One
“Danielle let’s ride off into the sunset together. –Nick”
Man, another really boring date.
Nick and Danielle ride around Bimini on bicycles. They play basketball with the local children. Nick finds it hard to have a conversation with Danielle. He thinks it because they lack chemistry. I think it’s because they’re both introverts.
At dinner, Danielle thinks she’s getting the “go” signal and misses the “no” signal that Nick is sending out by talking about what a great friendship they have.
Danielle: I want you to know that my heart is very open to you. I feel like I want to take on anything with you. Adventurous? Like good, bad, and anything in between. Raw?
Nick: I care about you a lot and I want to feel the same way but I don’t think my heart can get there.
Recall that on his date with Danielle L., Nick said he wanted a relationship that was adventurous and raw but now that Danielle M. is essentially saying she wants those things, Nick isn’t interested.
Hmmm… I wonder why.
Nick: You’re just so great.
Danielle: Not great enough.
Danielle, there is no reason to get down on yourself. There is a whole wide world of women who Nick isn’t interested in. I mean he kept Corinne over you. Are you seriously going to sweat this guy?
I predicted Danielle was going to be in the top four but I never for one second thought she was going to be the one Nick chose. I guess it’s hard when you’re in the situation to be able to tell these things but from out here, it was completely f*cking obvious. I hope Danielle finds a nice guy from Wisconsin to settle down with and forget the show ever happened.
Or maybe she’ll meet someone this summer in Paradise. If Lacey could get engaged, I don’t see why Danielle can’t.
The point is the despair is unnecessary.
Danielle returns to the beach house to say goodbye to the other women. She’s a weepy mess.
Corinne: It does kind of hurt my heart a little bit that someone so sweet went home but I also didn’t see them together. I would live in a shack with no diamonds for Nick. Who am I?
I don’t know. You said something nice about another contestant and said you would live in a shack without diamonds if it meant you could have love.
Panicked that she’s on the chopping block, Corinne decides she’s going to try to convince Nick he wants to come to her hometown by bewitching him with her platinum vagine.
She gets dolled up and sneaks over to Nick’s hotel room.
He invites her in and offers her a drink. I’m not gonna lie and it pains me to say this but I think Nick and Corinne have a genuine connection. (I just threw up in my mouth a little.)
I can potentially see a Vanessa/Corinne final two which will be absolutely horrifying. I will be so relieved if Corinne is the next to go but I don’t think the Bachelor producers are going to be that merciful.
Eavesdropping on Nick and Corinne’s bedroom banter is cringe-worthy but we do find out there’s “no beating around the bush” when it comes to Corinne. 😆
Nick stops Corinne just as he sees the shimmer emanating from her panties. He will not be undone by failing to adhere to Bachelor code and sleep with another woman before fantasy suites.
Corinne is so upset by Nick’s rejection of her platinum p*ssy that on the way out of the hotel, she walks past the automated double doors that open right in front of her and exits out the side door instead.
Next Up: Rachel’s One-On-One
[jetpack-related-posts]
“but I really don’t want to give up the money or the fame so I’m going to bite the bullet and put a ring on the finger of the woman least likely to give me crap about whoring and drinking while we’re engaged”…..This was too funny!!!! Loved the entire “conversation” between Nick and Chris.
Thank you for your recap!
Hey, Cynthia.
Thank you for your feedback! I’m glad I could make you laugh.
I got your tarot card reading request. I’m making my way through them but they’re a lot of work.
Thanks! 🙂
I have two favorites tonight for you…
You’re not a boat bangle, child. Nick’s looking for a wife (allegedly), not the latest trend in yacht accessories. PICTURE INCLUDED!
Back at the beach house that has been padded for Corinne’s protection while producers continue to prey on her deepest narcissistic fears by denying her time with Nick, Corinne decides that Rachel would be a good person to confide in about her rich white girl problems and her concerns about Vanessa’s compatibility with Nick.
Almost had to change my britches twice!
Most importantly, thank you for my shout out.. I am loving the f*&k off van…. Oh.SO.MUCH! As always, you the best ever!
Hey, Jaime.
Glad I could make you laugh. It makes this whole crazy blog idea worthwhile.
No, YOU’RE the best ever. 😛
Thank you, Jaime. Your support and feedback is much appreciated. 🙂
HI Emily I enjoy your blog and feel that since I have been reading it for awhile I ought to tell you so! I am a mental health therapist and the show intrigues me with all the dysfunction and drama LOL. I really like all your metaphors, observations etc—-I feel it enhances my viewing pleasure… 🙂
Hi, Susan.
Thank you for writing to let me know that you enjoy my blog. I really like to know the people who are reading my blog so don’t be shy.
I’m glad I can enhance the Bachelor experience for you.
Thanks for the feedback! 🙂
Cringey Corinne gets even more likeable next episode, a bit of overacting but its shocking you can tell he actually likes him
Hey, DG.
I saw Corinne on Jimmy Kimmel and she seemed really demure and quiet. It makes me wonder how much of what happened on the show was her and how much was alcohol. She didn’t seem like the same person.
Yes, I could tell Corinne actually liked Nick. I’m glad my instincts were right though and that he wasn’t seeing her as a serious possibility as a wife. I think she got to hometowns solely because of Raquel.
As always, thank you for the feedback! Really appreciate it 🙂
Hi Emily,
I’ve been in a bit of a funk the last few weeks so didn’t get to this recap until today. If I had read your blog when you posted it I am sure I would’ve been back to my old self sooner. So many great lines, a number of belly laughs, and your writing style is excellent.
My favorite line was “you’re not a boat bangle, child”, On point! The entire recap was one of my favorites. I love how your mind works. If I was a magical fairy god-mother I would make your body as fine as your mind. But will send healing thoughts to you every day.
Your health comes first and if you must stop, then I am sure all of your fans would miss your wonderful recaps, but would still want you to do whatever you have to do to get better and stronger. I’ll just go re-read your old recaps for the laughter, and would enjoy staying connected.
Hi, Vicki.
Thanks for letting me know your comment went missing. I think you probably didn’t put the captcha code in and it went to my spam folder. I found it though.
You’re very sweet. I wish you could be my fairy godmother too! 🙂
I’ve been struggling a lot the last few weeks because of a virus. It was coming and going and now it’s got a strong hold on me. I haven’t been able to do anything.
I really don’t know what I’m going to do yet. This season got screwed up at the end. It’s hard to be funny when you don’t feel well and all you have are generic hometowns to write about.
If I continue to cover the show, I will have to do it differently than I have up until now. It’s too much work. It takes up all of my free time.
I’m happy to keep in touch with any of my readers. You can write me anytime. My email is located at the bottom of every page. It goes through to my main email.
Thanks you very much for your feedback and support! 🙂
Missing your recaps. Hope all is well.
Hey, Marla.
Did you get my email? I did a tarot reading for you a couple of weeks ago.
I’m struggling with a virus so I think I’m done for the season. I’ll probably write something after the finale. I’m pretty sure Nick is going to choose Vanessa so I’m not on the edge of my seat or anything.
I’m glad you enjoy my recaps. Thank you for your feedback and comments. 🙂
Hi Emily-
Sorry for the delay in responding.
No, I never received the tarot reading! If you still have the results, I’d love to see it!
I hope all is well too! Thank you as always for your re-caps!
Hi, Caroline.
I’ve been knocked on my ass by a virus. That’s why I haven’t been writing. It’s taking all my energy to get through the day right now.
I’m glad you enjoy my recaps. Thank you for your feedback and support! 🙂
Hi Emily,
I swear I wrote a long winded comment a couple of weeks ago, but messed up the sending part I guess. So will keep this one short. Always your recap is a joy to read, and there is always some comment or picture that makes me laugh. So thank you again.
Sending healing thoughts your way.
Hey, Vicki.
I found your comment and responded to it. See above.
Thank you for the healing thoughts. I need them! 🙂
I’m just seeing your response to me on 3/11 and no, I didn’t get your email. Shoot! I do hope you’re feeling better. Positive affirmations and healing thoughts your way.
Hi Emily-
There seems to be 2 ‘Marla’s on here now, which is unusual, since there aren’t many of us around.
Hello, other Marla!
I’ll sign in as Marla H from now on. But no, I never received your tarot reading. Perhaps there’s some confusion between the two of us?
Hi Marla H! I’m Marla B. I never received the tarot card reading either. Could there possibly be more than 2 of us? I would have loved the tarot card reading but it seems another Marla must have been the lucky recipient.
Hi, Marla H.
I’m sorry to take so long to respond to my comments that came in after Nick’s season ended. The reading was for Marla B. I don’t know if you requested a reading or not. If you did, I don’t think I got the request. You can request again if you wanted a reading by going to my contact page.
I would never have guessed there would be two Marla’s either. It’s an unusual name.
Thanks so much for your feedback and support! 🙂
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