Recap Episode 2
Ashley I. arrives in Paradise. I’m not sure if she decided to go back on the show to cock block Jared or she wanted to find love period. (I’m just f*cking with you. She definitely came back to cock block Jared.)
Jared is unthrilled to see Ashley show up in Paradise just as he’s getting to know Caila.
And Ashley is unthrilled to find out that Jared is interested in Caila. After swearing not to cry more than three times, Ashley breaks down in tears after about five minutes in Paradise and accuses Caila of being a “backstabbing whore”.
I do think Ashley has a right to be upset. Jared really has led her on for the past year by encouraging her affections. On After Paradise, Ashley gave more information about what happened between her and Jared since last summer. According to Ashley, she and Jared were friends in the fall, more than friends in the winter, and then friends again in the spring. Jared sent her roses, went all out for her birthday, and they hung out with each others’ family on multiple occasions.
Gee, I wonder how Ashley got the wrong idea about how Jared felt about her.
By trying to be “nice”, Jared has given Ashley the impression that there’s a possibility for a future between them.
It’s really cowardly. Jared doesn’t want to think of himself as a “bad” guy so he did what he thought was “nice” so he wouldn’t hate himself but what he did was ACTUALLY bad. He could have cut Ashley off after Paradise ended last summer and told her the truth that he wasn’t interested but instead, he let her waste a year of her life pining over him.
I also take issue with anyone who leads someone on in order to not hurt their feelings because it’s a great overestimation of their importance in that person’s life. Everyone has the capacity to move on from heartbreak and find somebody else no matter what they may believe while they’re grieving. To believe someone will fall apart without you is an insult. It basically means you think they’re too weak to function without you. No one is that weak.
Ashley gets the talking-to-an-animal edit that Claire got the first two seasons of Paradise. She’s talking to a producer or cast member off screen and crying about Jared and they cut to a shot of a parrot squawking back at her. But at least Ashley is hip to it and tells whomever she’s talking to, “They’re probably going to turn you into a raccoon.”
Ashley confronts Caila and unfairly gets on her case for going on a date with Jared. She feels that Caila back-stabbed her because before she came on the show, Caila said that Jared wasn’t her type.
Well, guess f*cking what, Ashley. Now that Caila met Jared, she’s into him. People change their minds.
Ashley tells Jared she’s gonna leave because she can’t handle seeing him with someone else. But Jared convinces her to stay and try to get to know other people. She very reluctantly agrees.
The only person Ashley can take on her date since Jared is taken, is Daniel. He agrees to go. Sarah halfheartedly objects but I’m pretty sure Sarah’s only on the show to raise awareness about her foundation to support young girls with disabilities. Maybe I’ll just end up in purgatory for that joke at the beginning if I plug her site: It’s called SheLift.
Ashley and Daniel’s Date
The weather is mimicking Ashley’s mood. The rain is coming down in torrents as Ashley and Daniel enter the Aztec Temple (?) they’re going to eat dinner in. Was using that location just a setup to get to the “sacrifice the virgin” part of the show? I wonder how long the location scout wandered the streets of Mexico looking for a venue that looked like an ancient temple inside. Talk about commitment to a gag.
Daniel distracts Ashley by creeping her out half the time with persistent questions about her virginity and sexual availability and making her laugh the rest of the time with statements like, “I swing both ways but only on Fridays.”
Ashley tells Daniel the only way she can get over Jared is to meet somebody else that she likes more. Watch out future male contestants of Paradise. The Ashley may follow you home…
At the end of Ashley and Daniel’s dinner date, the tribe of Aztec warriors picks up Ashley in her chair and carry her away shouting that it’s time to sacrifice a virgin. Daniel continues eating his dinner and in the next scene, it’s a new day in Paradise. That makes no sense. Whatever…
Ashley says that weeks can’t get much worse than this one unless somebody dies.
Really??? REALLY??? You think unrequited love is the worst thing that could happen to you besides death??? Are you f*cking kidding me right now?
Here’s a list of things that are worse than Jared not loving you (in no particular order):
- Cancer
- Starvation
- Lead in your drinking water
- Being maimed
- Going blind/deaf
- Chronic herpes
- Finding out your HIV positive
- Irritable Bowel Syndrome
- Tourette Sydrome
- Down Syndrome
- Having a hysterectomy
Shall I go on?
I’m also pretty sure if Ashley gained 10 pounds she would think it was the end of the f*cking world but I’m not going to get into all the ugly sticks a woman can get hit with over the course of her life because I don’t want any of my readers to get a complex. Suffice it to say, people treat young, beautiful women far better than they treat any other demographic and Ashley doesn’t know how lucky she is to look the way she does.
Nick is still bored and eating his heart out when out of the darkness appears a beacon of hope…
Enter Jen from Ben’s season. I really like this girl. She’s intelligent, beautiful, and down-to-earth.
Nick is all about her. He wants her to ask him out bad.
Before Jen talks to any of the guys, she talks to the girls to see who is taken. The twins fill her in on all the couples in the house but Jen says in an ITM she’s going to pick the guy she wants regardless of who they might be coupled up with.
Next, Jen interviews Daniel and Nick. Daniel offers to pay her to take him on her date but it would be in Canadian dollars so it’s not worth much. Sorry, Daniel. Your offbeat humor is going to fall on deaf ears this time. Jen is treating you like your five and you don’t even realize it because she is so far out of your league that even if you were an eagle (which you’re not), you wouldn’t be worthy. Jen is what you would get if a Pegasus f*cked an angel.
Nick straight up tells Jen that that he really, really, REALLY wants to go out with her. Jen chooses Nick because he’s the only guy in Paradise with more than two brain cells to rub together.
Before Jen and Nick leave for their date, we check back in with Evan who isn’t feeling well. His ankles are swollen and red and a medic recommends he goes to the hospital. Evan sees this as a perfect date opportunity to coerce Carly back into his sweaty, dick doctor clutches. How romantic.
Nick and Jen’s Date
Nick and Jen hit it off. They drink champagne on a yacht.
This is the only couple in paradise I can listen to who don’t make me cringe with their pedestrian prattle.
They end their date making out in the surf a la “From Here to Eternity” but an army of crabs threatens to ruin the moment.
Evan and Carly’s Hospital Date
Evan seems fine and he’s completely conscious in the ambulance. He and Carly are laughing as the EMT puts the IV in his arm. She does a horrible job and Evan bleeds all over the place but it’s not quite the crisis situation they’ve been making the ambulance scene out to be all season.
Carly sees a whole new normal side of Evan while he’s relaxing in a hospital bed and she claims she’s “back on the Evan train”.
Yet another new day dawns in Paradise. Both Evan and Nick have a new lease on love.
Ashley decides to flood the contestants’ sleeping quarters with her tears as a tribute to Jared.
That night there is another rose ceremony. The guys will hand out roses. Sarah, Ashley, and Hemily are on the chopping block.
And now comes the moment we’ve all been waiting for…
…Nick and Ashley have the talk that Jared and Ashley SHOULD’VE had last summer.
Nick: This isn’t love. It’s infatuation, it’s obsession.
Ashley: It’s love!
Nick: No, it’s not. Not even close.
Ashley: (crying) You can’t tell me that!
Nick: Yeah. I can. You’re not going to be with him. You will never be with Jared.
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Dear, Nick.
This is why I can’t quit you.
Love,
Emily
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To be continued…
Next: After Paradise
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