Shawn's Brain Imploding
Shawn's Brain Imploding
Shawn's Brain Imploding ©2015 ABC, mods by Café Emily

Bachelorette 2015 Recap – Episode 9: Sex Bomb!

Bachelorette 2015 Recap: Episode 9

Before I get into my recap, I want to take a moment to say how sad I was to hear of Amanda Peterson’s untimely death at the age of 43 from suspected heart failure. She was a great actress for as little time as she spent in the spotlight. Can’t Buy Me Love and Explorers are two of my all-time favorite films. Amanda will always be Cindy Mancini to me and she’ll always have a special place in my heart. My prayers are with her family.

Now onto the recap…

Ben’s One-On-One (AKA: Audition Tape 2 for The Bachelor 2016)

I guess they counted Jared’s drive with Kaitlyn to Killarney as a real date because the guys talk throughout the episode of how everyone got a one-on-one with Kaitlyn this week except Nick. Seems kind of lame to me but whatever.

Ben and Kaitlyn go rowing to a private island. Well, Ben did the rowing. I always think it’s terrible when they set up rowing dates for the guys because it means they’re gonna have to huff and puff while The Bachelorette gets to drift comfortably down a river. If I were a guy, I’d be like, “Seriously??? Can’t we hang out in a hot tub or something?”

Not much happens on the island. They play hide and seek in a castle. The more interesting stuff happens on the evening portion of the date.

Ben’s ITM: “I loved my ex-girlfriend and ever since then, I’ve feared that I’m unlovable.” First, awww… and second, WTF? Ben, you’re drop-dead gorgeous, you’re intelligent, you dedicate your life to helping under-privileged children, and you’re sweet as pie. What a piece of work your ex must have been to make you think anything of the sort. But I think 2016 is gonna be your year, buddy.

The audition continues when Kaitlyn asks Ben if he feels pressured by the prospect of the fantasy suites.

Ben: “The stigma behind overnight dates is that you have to be completely physical… To me, that’s not the purpose behind it. I respect you enough and I respect this relationship enough to not focus on that… I’m excited to get to know you away from all this and to talk all night.”

Again, awww… and WTF? Kaitlyn’s expression is priceless: “I’m going to get this dreamboat all to myself for a night and he wants to talk the whole time? What a gyp.”

Back at the hotel, a three-on-one card arrives for Nick, Shawn, and Joe. On this date, one of the guys is supposed to get a rose and that person will be assured a fantasy suite date.

Nick’s ITM: “I feel confident in our connection.”

Shawn’s ITM: “I don’t understand why Kaitlyn is falling in love with Nick.” Dude, get over it. Just because you hate him doesn’t mean she has to. Maybe you should take a page out of your arch rival’s handbook on how to survive being a contestant on The Bachelorette.

Back on Ben’s audition – I mean date.

Kaitlyn: “Are you a virgin?” Okay, I know Ben said that whole bit about talking all night but look at him. There’s no f-ing way this guy’s a virgin.

Ben (embarrassed): “Um, no. [But] I’m glad I come off as innocent and pure-hearted.”

Kaitlyn cracks up. Phew. That was a close one. Not.

But it certainly would have harmed his chances of being The Bachelor if he were a virgin. There’s no bigger turnoff than a guy who’s an amateur in the sheets.

The Three-On-One

Shawn, Nick, and Joe meet Kaitlyn at a park.

Shawn steals Kaitlyn away for some one-on-one time first. Kaitlyn can’t get her head in the game because she’s worried about having to tell Shawn what happened with Nick.

Just as Kaitlyn works up the nerve to tell him, Nick interrupts him. Yeah, that wasn’t planned.

Shawn returns to hang out with Joe while Nick and Kaitlyn have some one-on-one time.

Kaitlyn still can’t stop thinking about the conversation she needs to have with Shawn and Nick senses something’s wrong.

Nick: “Is something on your mind?”

Kaitlyn: “I have a lot on my mind… After our date – how do you feel about that?”

Nick (smiling impishly): “I feel good about it?” Duh. What did she expect him to say? That it was too fast and it wasn’t fair to the other guys in the house? Please. “I’m sensing some reservations.”

Kaitlyn: “It’s not like ‘I made a mistake’.” Really? Because that’s what you keep crying about in your ITMs. “I’m a grown woman. I can do what I want…” So own it. “I feel like that was just fast.”

Nick: “I liked you before I showed up. You’re not The Bachelorette to me. You’re just Kaitlyn. You’re this girl I’m crazy about. You know how I feel about you.”

Kaitlyn: “You can still say it.”

Nick (mumbling shyly): “You know I’m falling in love with you. It’s so scary to say that. It’s more scary than before.” More scary than with Andi? Because he likes Kaitlyn more or because he actually recognizes this time around that he can get his heart smashed to pieces? Both?

They make out because that’s what Nick and Kaitlyn do when they’re not talking.

Next, Joe and Kaitlyn get their one-on-one time. I already know she’s about to cut him loose. I knew it was coming when they started the date but it’s a little sad the way it went down.

Kaitlyn: “Coming out of this, we could be engaged. That doesn’t worry you at all? You’re ready?”

Joe’s response is to lay a smoking hot kiss on her before uttering in his sultry Kentucky voice: “I could kiss you for the next 60 years… Cause I’m love with you, baby…”

CRINGE. I feel horrible because that was so sweet and so sexy and I know Kaitlyn’s not feeling it at all.

Kaitlyn tries to let Joe down easy but he turns to stone. She tries to comfort him but he keeps insisting everything is cool. The worst part is when they get up and start to go in different directions and Joe asks her what he’s supposed to do now because he really doesn’t know and she tells him to do whatever he needs to do.

Joe flops down on the bench they were sitting on. Kaitlyn tries to talk to him again but Joe says, “I’m not saying sh*t to you.” And Kaitlyn walks away.

After Kaitlyn is gone, Joe storms off into the bushes saying, “I’m done with you. Don’t talk to me no more.” Since Kaitlyn’s not around, I have to assume that was directed at the production staff who were probably nearby but off camera.

I know Joe’s parting words might seem petulant but I feel for him. The production staff of The Bachelor/Bachelorette is infamous for manipulating the emotions of the cast. I think the only possible way Joe could have thought he was actually in love with Kaitlyn after spending so little time with her is that production deliberately misled him into thinking he felt more for Kaitlyn than he did and that Kaitlyn returned his feelings. I can’t prove that’s what happened but I think Joe’s reaction was more than just rejection. I think it was a huge smack in the face and he was in shock. It’s no surprise he would storm off and not want to talk to the crew after that.

Kaitlyn returns to Shawn and Nick and lets them know she sent Joe home. The rose is still on the table but Kaitlyn says she doesn’t feel comfortable handing it out. Yeah, because if she did, one of them would have a conniption fit, particularly Shawn if he was the one who didn’t get it.

Then she scares the f*ck out of Nick by telling him she had a great time with him but that she’ll see him at the rose ceremony. She and Shawn need more time together.

Could she have at least pulled him aside and given him some reassurance instead of hanging him out to dry like that? She left him thinking she didn’t want to spend any more time with him and just wanted to hang out with Shawn instead. She probably was asked to do it that way by production for dramatic effect but I would have told production to f*ck themselves to ensure someone I cared about wasn’t left feeling like I didn’t want to hang out with them.

Shawn is happy as a clam: “If it were any other guy but [Nick] standing there, I’d feel bad about it. Not a single part of me feels bad about that when I’m standing next to The Other Guy. It feels really, really good.” Let’s see how good you feel when you find out the sole reason you’re getting this extra time is to find out your girl banged “The Other Guy.” Douche. Did I mention I’m not a Shawn fan?

Kaitlyn’s ITM: “I’m really nervous about this conversation I need to have with Shawn but I need to do it.”

Shawn’s ITM: “I think we both need this night just to relax and have a good time.” Good luck with that.

Shawn and Kaitlyn sit down on yet another couch in yet another pub in Ireland to have “the talk”.

Kaitlyn: “I don’t want you to find out later… the night [Nick and I] went back to my place… it’s hard to admit it but we had sex.”

The featured image for the article is Shawn’s actual reaction upon hearing the news. I just added the red face and the steam coming out of his ears.

Shawn is speechless for a good 30 seconds and then: “Do you regret it?”

Kaitlyn: “I was worried about what it would do to our relationship.”

I’m going to pause and talk about what’s happening here because the only person Kaitlyn seems to be worried about finding out about this “later” is Shawn. She doesn’t seem to be worried about Ben or Jared finding out and the only way I can account for it is by concluding that the only other person Kaitlyn sees herself with besides Nick after the show is Shawn. So should the other two just go home? Because I’m pretty sure if either Ben or Jared were to end up with Kaitlyn, they’d probably have an issue with her boning Nick too.

Shawn: “I don’t even know why you’re telling me this right now.” Because, moron. She knows if she gets engaged to you, you’re going to find out the hard way that someone you hate f*cked her before you did and it won’t be pretty. Seriously, Shawn, get a clue.

Shawn takes a minute to regroup in the men’s room. If I were the producers, I’d be hoping my insurance covers  bathrooms right about now. SHAWN SMASH!

He didn’t actually do anything but it wouldn’t have surprised me to hear the sounds of porcelain shattering.

Shawn eventually returns to talk to Kaitlyn. I can tell he’s putting on a brave face: “I’m just gonna man up and deal with it because I want you… I don’t know what else I can do.” That would have been a great answer if he could actually back it up with actions but there’s no way Shawn isn’t going to have a meltdown over this.

When Shawn gets back to the hotel, he’s all smiles and tell the guys how great his night was because telling the guys, especially Nick, that he just got the sh*t kicked out of him is gonna jeopardize his status with the bros as the alpha of the group.

Not to be outdone, Nick quickly talks about how confident he feels about his time with Kaitlyn. Oh, Nick. Don’t sink to his level. It’s so unbecoming.

Next up: The Rose Ceremony


One thought on “Bachelorette 2015 Recap – Episode 9: Sex Bomb!

  1. The fun part of this BLOG is that you never know what will become side-bar commentary! The combo of relationship “don’ts” and vageen anatomy lesson – priceless!

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